Journal entries

Well, Geoff is taking a nap right now, and we've got a few hours before Ashlee & Jared pick us up, so in looking for something to do, I dug out one of my old journals from high school. I love reading old journals. There were a couple of entries that I thought were funny:

November 4, 2001 - Friday (I worked at Hollywood Video at the time)
"Last night at work a van full of people came - they were drug-rehab people "in recovery" one guy called it. They were funny. They rented a movie called 'Dope Case Pending,' and the lady in charge made them bring it back and get a different one. Mike and I thought that was pretty funny."

October 20, 2001 - Wednesday
(Brittany, if this isn't teenage angst, I don't know what is! It's probably the most angstiest journal entry I ever wrote. PS- it's kind of embarrassing to write, but if dooce can incriminate herself with past journal entries, then so can I. Names are changed however, because most of these people have access to my blog... though they might still recognize themselves if they read it)

"This is crap. Me, K, D, K, & G all hung out tonight. (I called G) We went bowling first. It was fun - then we went to Arby's (KP was there) then we rented a movie and went to D's to watch it. Bad movie. We turned it off. Then they started playing nintendo and K & I became nonexistent, so we left. That boy drives me nuts! It just baffles me. I mean, I've been confused about guys before but this is a very different case. I keep hearing he likes me dangit, but there was absolutely no sign at all. It would've been so easy for him to do something small to let me know he's interested. K & I came to the conclusion that he's not interested in me, but that's the only conclusion we came to. K said that he's a dead fish, and I said no, he's not even a dead fish - more like a slug that has dried up on the cement and died because it was in the sun too long. We thought that maybe he's scared of something, or maybe he's just not ready for any kind of relationship. It's stupid though because he's never going to get married, and the problem isn't that he won't be able to find a girl, the girls find him! Only he won't know that any of them like him because he's too stupid to see it! And I just don't understand WHY! There has to be a reason. I've said before that I've given up on him, and yet I just keep coming back for more, and nothing ever comes of it. But after tonight, I am really through. K asked me to name the reasons why I like him, and I realized that I only like him for the wrong reasons! I like him because he's fun to be around and I know him well enough to be myself around him and those aren't the wrong reasons I suppose, but I also liked him because I thought if I don't like him, then who else is there to like? And also I guess just because I want someone, and maybe he seemed like a good one to go for. See those reasons are so wrong. Then we thought there's something wrong with us or there's got to be something we are or aren't doing. What's going to happen in college when some guy is interested but we aren't mature enough to have a relationship because we never had any experience in that kind of thing? This is all just the dumbest thing, how is it possible to be so sick of it and so upset over it all? I'm so upset about the way things went, I will never figure out why he is the way he is. I mean I think one of the components of having a relationship is accepting the other person who they are. But I can't handle someone who never shows you they care. So, I hope D didn't take it against her that we left. This is old now. I'm going to bed."

Ha ha. I just laugh now, but I'm glad this phase of life is over. It's funny looking back, I always felt so incredibly out of place as a teenager, but I think maybe that is what being a teenager is about.

And just one more, for good measure: (and because I'm having fun)

November 3, 2001 - Saturday
"Grandpa had an operation today. Grandma took him to the hospital last night around two because they thought maybe his appendix burst or something. They were still waiting around for the doctor at 6:00 this evening - at least they had him on an IV while they waited. Al & I took him a dozen roses this morning - Grandma and Mom & Dad were there visiting already. Grandpa looked fine; he was even making jokes about stuff. I love his sense of humor.

You know what, I think lately I've been falling into a trap of thinking I'm not that great, academically. And so my homework and grades start to slip, I procrastinate this and that. But that is really kind of stupid. It won't be tough to get my grades back up (they're really not that bad to begin with - just one) and I feel really good about re-taking the ACT and re-taking Pre-calculus. I'm sure I can get a better grade this time around, all factors considered. It's just when I think about people like K & G, who'll be going to school back east, and probably some big ivy league school, I think of the amazing experience they're going to have then, and how so not a part of that sort of thing I'm going to be, just because I don't feel ambitious enough or smart enough to take on something like that. And then when I tell people I'll probably go to a tech school or to Snow or something, I feel like it's a little looked down on. But I'm not stupid. I just don't feel ready to take on something that huge, and maybe I never will, and I guess I'm a little ashamed that I'm not an ambitious go-getter about college and stuff."

Hmmm funny how things can change in the course of time - it did take me forever to figure out what I wanted to do and how I was going to do it. I've been out of high school for almost seven years and I'm just now coming up on the bachelor's degree. I'm sorry it took so long, but at least I'm now in something that I really want to do and I have to be grateful for that.