So, a couple of nights ago as Geoff and I were leaving class and walking out to the parking lot, I had this little mini-silent-mental-breakdown. It was partly "Wow, I suck," and partly "I am never gonna be able to do this." It came after the realization that I couldn't handle a full load of classes, that I'd dropped a class but still hoped to be able to do the gym-thing and now knew I could even do that. (The wow I suck part). And the knowledge that I am going to have to work harder to keep from recieving C's this semester even though I can't really dig into the homework until 8:30 at night at the earliest. (The I'm never gonna be able to do this part). I just try to think I'm wonderwoman or something, but I'm not and for some reason it's a tough pill to swallow. I fill my schedule with all these great, wonderful things, and can barely accomplish half of them. Sigh. The panicky-overwhelmed feeling is more or less gone now; just a resignation is left. It's a lesson in patience, I guess. Patience with the task at hand, and patience with myself and my own limitations.
During our human-performance meeting at work yesterday, I peeked back to my notes from the day we focused on my schooling, and read a statement that comforted me. It's the one statement that our instructor promised to deny he'd ever said: "There is no acheivement in life-balance." It reminded me to just embrace the current (but short-lived) sacrifice of time and mental comfort, and that pain of effort is better than pain of regret. Also, one of my co-workers spoke of a company he visited that morning that is teetering on the edge of its existence, and I felt overwhelmingly grateful to have what I do. My job that I sometimes take for granted that is more than I could ever ask for, my loving husband and family, my home. It is more than some people have in a lifetime. I am so blessed.
6 comments:
So...what's GH? Good husband? General Hospital? Hope May and June come quickly for you. Or maybe slow, since you want more time. Hmm.
GH represents our human-performance meeting.
"the pain of effort is better than the pain of regret"
THANK YOU!!!! I think I've found my new mantra for the semester :)
". . . embrace the current . . . sacrifice of time and mental comfort, and that pain of effort is better than pain of regret."
Thanks, I was also in need of hearing this right now.
Wow! I have those thoughts all the time! I'm amazed at all you do! Working full-time ( and all the stress that goes with it) is stressful enough on it's own. Life is crazy.. . . I am proud of you!
I can relate on those thoughts as well. Being home with Kai, wishing I was able to do more and fit more into my day, but just not having the energy or willpower.
I can't even imagine having to go to school and work, I think that must be the hardest thing! I was stressed when I worked full time, but have yet to get back into the realm of school and grades and stress, stress, STRESS.
But seriously, you are doing excellent. Do what you can, keep at it and don't feel bad. You are doing what's right, you and your husband are working towards a successful future, and you haven't failed yet. Maybe you haven't accomplished everything that you feel like you should, but that's what trying again and not giving up is for.
I hope that made sense...
Oh, and what you are doing now will be all worth it once you start a family and start getting into the groove of it. you'll be set career wise, whether you'll need it or not, and you'll thank yourself for working so hard.
It just takes time. You can't climb a mountain in one day.
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