Theory Day

This morning it was Theory Day for our Monday morning meeting. I really enjoy Theory Day, because it's always about psychological aspects of human behavior, which is really fascinating to me. Today's focus was "identifying and correcting corrosive and toxic behavior." The moment he said it, I thought back to a book I once read called, "How to Hug a Porcupine." However, our talk today wasn't about dealing with other people's toxic behavior, but rather our own. Because I find it so interesting AND applicable, I want to share some of the highlights from the discussion then say what I think about it.

Toxic behavior can be characterized by four main things: Insincerity, Self-centeredness, Dominance, and Control.

He spoke of a scientist named Dr. Gottman, who could predict with 98% accuracy whether a marriage was going to last 15 years, by observing a 30-minute conversation between spouses about an issue in their marriage. Some of the main predictors were:
1. The incidence of defensiveness
2. Stonewalling (shutting down and refusing to talk)
3. Criticism
4. Contempt
Contempt was perhaps the largest indicator, and included eye-rolling (even when done without anger), and essentially attempting to elevate yourself or bring someone else down.

Here are ways for dealing with corrosive behavior: (To me, this seemed to apply to dealing with others as well) (and we went over several, but the most useful ones I include here)
1. Recognize your toxic behavior, see the connection between your toxic behavior and the negative outcomes. If you can't recognize it in yourself then you can't possibly take action to correct it.
2. Don't criticize, complain, or condemn (those things never result in changed behavior).
3. Persist, change doesn't happen overnight.

This kind of opened my eyes a little bit, because I have been told recently, and by more than one person, that I get incredibly defensive. My fighting style seems to be to get defensive, then try to turn it around and say something to bring the other person down, which is TWO of the things on that list up there.

On a related note, I also read an interesting book this weekend called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz, which stated at one point that getting offended at something someone else says or does is a classic sign of self-centeredness, because you are automatically assuming that the person was talking about you. Getting offended denotes an "it's all about ME" attitude.

-On a side note: This book also talks about how to not take things personally, be they good or bad. Everything everyone else does is because of THEM. It only reflects on their beliefs and their feelings about themselves, and therefore has nothing to do with you. Interesting stuff! Some things about this book were a little "out there", but his basic concepts were very insightful and I would recommend this book!

So anyway, I was able to see some of my faults today, and more importantly to see just how big of an effect they could have if left unchecked. I want my marriage to last and be happy and also improve other relationships. So now that I recognize them (and I'm sure there are many I still need to recognize) I can try to turn them around. I'm not perfect! But I can try!

Here's my grateful thought for the post: I'm grateful to have a husband who puts up with me!! I sure don't make it easy, but he still loves me and encourages me and forgives me. I really could not ask for a better man than him!!