It's 9:30 Friday night and I'm about to fall asleep sitting up. And Wally is picking cat food up off the floor because his food dish is empty. Sometimes when that happens and he gets really hungry he jumps on the giant bag of cat food in the kitchen and meows to get our attention. He's pretty smart.
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Got a weekend of conference and homework homework homework ahead. Will be fun. We decided we should really start doing a weekly date night again. So last night was our date night for this week and we went to a seminar called Crucial Conversations, hosted by United Way to raise $$. I actually thought it was very beneficial and am glad we went.
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The presenter talked about that one guy who, in his research, could watch a couple have a heated conversation for 20 minutes and predict with 90% accuracy which couples would be divorced within five years. It was the third time I've heard about this dude, but I think I learned the most out of tonight. His predictions were based not on all the good things couples do to strengthen their relationship, but how they handle their disagreements - in other words, the way in which we handle our disagreements is important! The four behaviors observed were Invalidation, Criticism, Escalation, and Withdrawal. (Similar to the "four horsemen:" Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling).
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Anyway, he said that studies have shown that when your emotions heat up, the part of your brain that processes logic and reason shuts down, and your muscles get all tensed up, posing you for fight-or-flight. And usually what happens is we end up saying and doing things that are harmful to the other person and ultimately our relationship with them, and nothing gets resolved. So he said - and I could really stand to practice this - is when something is said or done and you feel your emotions spark up, the first thing you want to do is 1) stop, realizing that you've stepped into a "crucial conversation," and 2) think of questions. Specific questions: "What do I really want to get out of this? What do I want for them? For our relationship?" Thinking the questions through brings your brain back into the picture and gets you to calm down, and gives you direction and focus. When your interaction is through and you want to evaluate it, ask yourself if you got closer to resolving your problem, and if you are closer as a result of the interaction. So anyway, Geoff already has the book because he went to a two-day training when he first started his internship, and I want to read it eventually. (He says there's a lot more stuff in the book and it goes a lot more in-depth.) I'm sure the whole process is much easier said than done, (and probably easier understood when presented by them and not me) but I want to try it for sure.
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Okay well now I'm really falling asleep. Oh, one more thing I wanted to add because it was a poignant moment for me:
A few mornings ago I was just really having a hard time of it, and mom emailed this picture to me. My aunt found it and we'd never seen it before. That's me at whatever age, and mom and dad. It struck me the moment I looked at it at what a happy child that is. You can see it in her face and body language, happy and excited, untouched by fear hurt and anger, and there she is surrounded by mom and dad, just chillin'. It reminded me of just how blessed am and have been and how many things I have to be grateful for, and how a bad morning really isn't that big of a deal. I feel so much gratitude to Heavenly Father for my awesome 'rents, and just really everything, for such love and blessings too many to count. I know there are many that aren't so fortunate, who endure some horrible things, and my heart just aches for them. It's the least - the very very least - I can do just to be grateful for what I have.
Yes, I know I'm cheesy. SO cheesy. :)
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